Collaborative Divorce vs. Traditional Divorce: Choosing the Path to a Healthier Separation

Divorce is undeniably one of the most challenging experiences a person can go through. In the United States, couples seeking a divorce typically have two main options: the standard adversarial process or the more amicable collaborative divorce approach. Understanding the differences between these paths is crucial for making an informed decision that can impact the emotional and financial well-being of everyone involved. When the decision was made between my ex-husband and myself to start the divorce process, my ex & I were currently seeing a counselor that worked in the collaborative process. Fortunately for myself, I had sought out an attorney a few months prior when the home environment became physically abusive, and this attorney participated in the collaborative process.

Collaborative as explained to us by the counseling facility that it could take 4-6 months to resolve versus years in the court system. We each had our own collaborative attorneys, we shared a counselor, our kids had their counselor and there was a financial neutral that both of us had to agree to.

The process started off great! The counselors and finance person are completely neutral as you set up the boundaries, etc. for moving the divorce forward. Unfortunately for me, this was short lived as my ex was quite the manipulator and was hell bent on protecting his business (that was started during our time together) and reminding me over and over he was going to financially bury me. Our counselor thought it was a great idea that the ex & I speak once a week on the phone regarding the kids as he had moved out and got his own apartment. The angst I would feel on the days I had to speak to him often felt paralyzing. He was so clueless about our two kids who were in their late teens at the time and these talks were just me feeding him basic information on his own kids.

Collaborative sessions became a way for him to air every story he had created in his head as the truth. My attorney often felt on the defense in the beginning until, repeatedly I was showing the consistency of facts with documentation and not just things I pulled out of the air as my ex-husband tended to do.

Six months into the process and the ex-husband left for a rehab facility and put the entire process on pause. This became a recurring theme for him. Halfway through, the ex decided he needed a different attorney, therefore creating yet another delay while the new attorney got up to speed. Finally, the business numbers were analyzed after 2+ years once the financial neutral had been given requested information. After 4+ months of the ex and his attorney meeting with the financial neutral who finally got through to both why he couldn’t simply manipulate the numbers to fit his narrative we were able to reach an agreement.

If you are in the process of deciding which is a better fit for your situation, please see below.

1. Adversarial (Traditional) Divorce:

Traditional divorce proceedings in the U.S. are often adversarial, meaning they are confrontational and litigious. Each party hires their own attorney, and the divorce case is resolved in court. This approach can be emotionally draining, time-consuming, and expensive. It often fosters a hostile environment, leading to further damage in the relationship, especially when children are involved. The decisions, such as child custody and asset division, are made by a judge based on legal arguments presented by each party’s lawyer.

2. Collaborative Divorce:

On the other hand, collaborative divorce is a method that promotes cooperation and open communication between spouses. In this approach, both parties, along with their respective attorneys, mental health professionals, and financial experts, work together to find mutually agreeable solutions. The emphasis is on finding common ground and fostering a more respectful and less adversarial atmosphere.

Key Differences:

a. Communication and Cooperation:

Collaborative divorce emphasizes open communication and cooperation, encouraging both parties to express their needs and concerns in a safe and respectful environment. In contrast, traditional divorce often involves aggressive legal tactics and communication breakdowns, making it harder to reach amicable resolutions.

b. Emotional Support:

Collaborative divorce often involves mental health professionals who provide emotional support and help the couple navigate their feelings during the process. This emotional guidance is not typically part of the adversarial divorce process, leaving individuals to cope with their emotions independently.

c. Cost-Effectiveness:

While collaborative divorce might seem like a costly option due to the involvement of multiple professionals, it can be more cost-effective in the long run. The reduced court appearances and streamlined decision-making processes often result in lower overall expenses compared to a prolonged courtroom battle.

d. Focus on Children:

Collaborative divorce places a strong emphasis on the well-being of children. By fostering a cooperative environment, parents can work together to create a parenting plan that suits the needs of their children. In contrast, the contentious nature of traditional divorce can lead to emotionally damaging custody battles, causing significant stress for the children involved.

While the above options are appealing, I highly advise researching counselors and interviewing attorneys. Collaborative only works if both parties are amicable. My mistake was trusting in the process while divorcing an addict with narcissistic traits. Our process took three years due to his addiction and him being inaccessible at times because he was in rehabs. If you have an addict that is in the process with you, I recommend the collaborative team deal with this piece. In hindsight, I would not have chosen the collaborative process with the counselors we had chosen as I later learned they were not adept at the disease and repeatedly had me trying to co-parent with someone who had caused me years of emotional abuse and at the end physical abuse.

In conclusion, while divorce is never easy, choosing the collaborative divorce process over the traditional adversarial approach can lead to a more respectful, less stressful, and ultimately healthier separation. By prioritizing communication, cooperation, and emotional well-being, couples can navigate this challenging life transition with greater understanding and empathy, setting the stage for a more amicable post-divorce relationship, especially when children are involved.